If I were to die, my mom and dad would still have my sisters, they have each other. They wouldn’t care because they hate me. People always say, “You’re family will always be there for you.” That’s not true. My family stopped trying to be there for me a long time ago. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. They don’t know the things that I think on a daily basis. They don’t know how hard it is for me to be strong. They don’t even see my worth. They don’t know about the battle that goes on in my head everyday. Sure, they’d feel sad for a day or two and then forget about me after that.
I remember when I used to blog out my emotions to the fullest. I used to vent to the fullest and actually be able to feel the emotions that I had when I read it again. No matter how long it was, the feelings I felt was in it. It used to come off so strong to a point where I would feel my own heart ache. I remember my very first notebooks, they weren’t so special but that’s where I poured my heart out. I remember breaking down with tears streaming down my face and I would immediately just blog out my emotions that I was feeling at the time. I remember when it came so effortlessly to me. I remember when my hand was constantly writing. I remember when my thoughts would run loose and I would let my fingers speed through the keyboard so easily, just typing away.
I can’t write anymore. I’ve tried and I sit down with my notebook and a pen but the words keep getting caught in my throat, caught in my fingers, they refuse to release themselves upon a page. I sit down, fingers grazing the keyboard, but the words just don’t come. I can’t seem to find the right emotions to make it out of. I can’t seem to put out my real feelings on here. I can’t seem to put my full emotions that I feel into any writing. I can’t seem to understand myself or what I feel as much as I used to. It didn’t used to be this hard. Words would spill out of my soul and into my fingertips uncontrollably, with no stopper in sight.
I miss writing like that. I miss writing to the point where I felt like everything I needed to say was actually lift off my chest. I miss writing to the point where I try to write something, my brain just swells up with a million thoughts and feelings that I can even begin to articulate clearly in any way. I miss writing to the point where I was able to feel my own emotions again after not reading it for so long again. I miss closing my eyes and letting words flow. The feel of relief and burden taken off of my shoulders when doing the thing that eases up things the most. I miss time where I can put everything and anything on hold and just transcend to a totally different dimension where there is no one but my thoughts and I.
Basilica de St. Nino Church. This is the first time I ever went there.
Aww :’( What did I do? :’(
A hug would be the most comforting thing in the world right now. :’(
Awe Adrianne, you always say the sweetest words. Thank you so much for the lovely words, Ad. You never fail to make me smile with the messages you send me here, or even at my twitter. Thank you. *hugs tightly* ♡